A LETTER TO THE TAOISEACH - by a mystery author, as e-mailed to me.
Dear Mr. Kenny,
Herewith, a few suggestions for fixing Ireland's economy.
Instead of giving billions of Euro to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, implement the following – you can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 400,000 people over 50 in the work force. Pay them €1 million each severance pay/redundancy for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire – 400,000 job openings, unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new car – 400,000 cars ordered, motor industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – housing crisis fixed, banks back in clover (most of those mortgages are probably tracker).
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - crime rate fixed
5) They MUST buy €100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week - and there's your money back in duty/tax etc.
6) Instead of farting around with the carbon emissions trading scheme (pardon the pun) that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.
It can't get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of Dail pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.
Also, while we’re in the mood:
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the pensioners would
· have access to showers, hobbies and walks
· receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out
· would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance
· bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them
· a guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
· They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
· They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.
· Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
· Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
· Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
· There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get the Nursing Home, would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised, lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week, live in a tiny room and for all this luxury pay €600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out – THINK about this
And there’s more:
Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that during the ‘mad cow’ epidemic the UK the government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria? And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. And yet, they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around the country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or the Dáil, is this - you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians; it creates a hostile work environment.